


Kokochi yoku nagareru kono oto ni (This sound flowing for all eternity)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Despair, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Friendship, Love, M/M, Promises, Routine, Suicide, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 08:25:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15263388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He looked at the pictures.That strange smile, that look he had never been able to fully read.But it was one of the reasons why Kota had always loved him.Because routine never became a weight between them, because every day was different, because he felt he always had something new to find out, something the other had yet to show him.





	1. Gyuttotsu nai da te wo hanasanai yo (Holding our hands we're connected, I won't let it go)

_He looked at the pictures._

_That strange smile, that look he had never been able to fully read._

_But it was one of the reasons why Kota had always loved him._

_Because routine never became a weight between them, because every day was different, because he felt he always had something new to find out, something the other had yet to show him._

_He knew there was no such thing as to identical people in the world, but he was sure that no one came even close to be like Inoo Kei. And it was his unicity that Kota loved._

_That he was_ never _going to stop loving, despite everything._

~

 

When Yabu had gotten back home that night, he had been sure there was something wrong.

He had opened the front door, marvelling at the fact that all the lights were off.

It was eleven, and it was weird for Kei to be in bed already.

When he had pushed the button to turn the living room lights on, it had looked even weirder.

Inoo was crouching on the couch.

He wasn’t doing anything; the TV was off, he didn’t have his cell phone nor his laptop.

He held his knees against his chest with his arm, the other one hanging from the couch.

Seeing the lights going on, he he turned to look at him.

Kota kept staring at him, weirded out by the whole situation.

“Kei-chan...” he murmured, but the other didn’t let him go on.

“Ko!” he said, getting off the couch and heading toward him, a smile on his face.

He hugged him, tight, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and closing his eyes, blissfully.

It took the elder a while to react, but in the end he hugged him back.

“Did something happen?” he asked then, still curious about his boyfriend’s odd behaviour.

“I missed you, that’s all.” the younger explained, letting go of him and shrugging.

“What were you doing in the dark?” Kota insisted.

Kei stopped smiling just for a second, which made the elder even more suspicious.

“Nothing much. I was tired and I just stayed there waiting for you.” was his only explanation.

Yabu didn’t believe him, but he let it go.

He had worked all day, he was damn tired, all he wanted was to get in bed and try to get some rest.

He wasn’t going to survive trying and understand Kei’s train of thought, not that night.

He smiled, pretending that there was nothing wrong, and leant over to softly kiss him on his lips.

Then he headed toward the kitchen, looking for something edible.

“I had made you dinner. I made yakisoba, but it’ll be inedible by now.” Kei grabbed the plate, shaking his head.

Yabu stretched a smile.

“It’s going to be fine just the same, thanks.” he told him, taking it from his hands and putting it down on the table; then he grabbed a pair of chopsticks and sat down.

“I'm sorry, I miscalculated. I thought you would've gotten back earlier, to tell you the truth.” the younger said, apologetic.

Kota shrugged and started eating. It must’ve been the millionth time he hate Kei’s yakisoba, it was the dish the younger was most proud about.

It wasn’t the best so cold, but it was still better than anything he would've found in the fridge.

It tasted like home, like domesticity.

It made him think about the fact that Inoo had made it for him, and that made him feel... safe, somehow.

Loved.

“I'm sorry, I should've warned you. The weather was bad today, so the filming got delayed. I'm sorry, it completely skipped my mind.” he explained, his mouth full.

Kei smiled, waving his hand as to say it didn’t matter.

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter.”

Yabu kept eating, fast, not so much for hunger but because he wanted to finish as soon as possible and be able to get to bed.

Less than fifteen minutes later he got up and put the plate in the sink.

“Thank you, Kei-chan. It was delicious.” he told him, almost automatically.

The younger sighed. He seemed to be about to reply, to say something, but in the end he changed his mind.

“I'm glad you liked it, Ko.” he murmured.

It was obvious there was something wrong.

But, once again, Yabu felt too tired to think about it.

 

~

 

Inoo had been looking at him for a while now, without the elder noticing it.

He liked to watch Yabu.

It relaxed him, no matter the circumstance.

He was currently reading a book, he held it in one hand while the other was on the next page, ready to turn it, clear sign he liked what he was reading. He looked absorbed, focused, his eyebrows arched and his lips semi-opened.

Only after another couple of minutes he felt observed; he threw a glance at Kei, confused.

“What?” he asked, and the other smiled to him.

“Nothing. I was looking at you.” he said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Why?” Kota insisted.

Inoo got closer, quickly straddling him, taking the book from him and putting it down on the nightstand.

He leant down, bringing his mouth close to the other’s ear.

“Because I like looking at you.” he murmured, then he moved his face and he kissed him, rolling in hips on top of him to give him an unmistakable hint.

He had been kissing him for less than a minute, lazily nibbling at the elder’s lips, when he realized there was no reaction on his part.

He pulled away a little, looking confusedly at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, keeping still.

He saw Yabu grimace and then push on his leg to let him go back to his side of the bed.

“I'm so sorry, Kei. I'm really tired tonight, filming was excruciating.” was all he said, then he took the book back, after having thrown him an apologetic stare.

Inoo was floored.

Then he sighed, surrendering.

“I’ll go take a shower.” he said, heading toward the bathroom without giving him time to reply.

And the elder didn’t even try.

He closed the door behind his back, locking it; then he let the water run, but he didn’t take his clothes off.

He leant his back against the wall, slipping on the floor.

He brought his hands over his face, brushing it as if he wanted to try and erase his thoughts.

He was tired too.

He wished he could've told Kota.

He wished he could've told him he was tired of this. Tell him he was missing something.

That he would've liked, for once, to see him come back home with that smile of his Kei adored, that which once never left his face, not even behind cameras.

That he would've liked Yabu to hug him and really wanted to do that, that he would've shown some interest in what he did when they weren’t together.

Yabu had never been the romantic type, but Kei had never doubted about his love for him, not once.

Not until now, at least.

He hated what their relationship was turning into, and that attitude from Kota which the elder was most likely unaware of, but that made Kei feel as if he was taken for granted in his life.

He wanted his boyfriend back, the one he had fallen in love with, the one who was capable of making him feel the most special man on Earth.

He got up, staring at himself in the mirror, disgusted.

“What miracles are you asking for, Kei?” he murmured to his image, sarcastic.

He had always seen around him relationship ending without a real reason, desire disappearing and love turning into something to bear instead of enjoy, and he had always pretentiously thought that it was never going to happen to them.

But now he was wavering, because he knew that those were the signs of something starting to rot.

Something which should've been saved, before it got completely destroyed.

And it didn’t take a miracle to fix things, he was sure of that.

It took that dedication that he had never lacked, because for his relationship with Yabu he would've done anything, because he had struggled to build it, because he had struggled for his own serenity.

And because he loved him the exact same way he had done since he had first met him, and he wasn’t going to let him slip from his fingers without doing anything to keep him.

Sighing, he turned off the water, getting out of the bathroom trying to make as little noise as possible.

Yabu was sleeping already.

The book was still open, forsaken on his chest while his hand marked where he had arrived.

Kei put it back on the nightstand, then he fixed the blankets on top of the elder.

He envied him.

He did, because the kind of tiredness he felt could be cured in a night sleeping.

Kei’s tiredness, he was well aware of that by now, was going to be there next morning, as soon as he would've woken up and he would've found the other side of the bed empty, the sheets fixed as if no one had ever slept there.

It was something making him feel incredibly alone.

Let Yabu erase that feeling from him; that would've been a nice miracle, to start.


	2. Tsumeta sa kimi honoo wo miru (I see your flame becoming cold)

_He took his boyfriend’s hand and held it tight._

_He wasn’t going to let it go._

_He had wished he could've done so a thousand times, because he felt there was something wrong between them._

_But he didn’t have the courage to._

_He didn’t want to face loneliness, and he felt such a damn coward for it._

_Yabu had always hidden his weaknesses well, but that didn’t made him unaware of them._

_Just like he was aware of the fact that, right now, the hand he was holding was the only thing keeping him afloat._

~

 

Inoo knew.

He had always known.

The way Hikaru looked at them, the sadness in his eyes while they followed him and Yabu, during those rare moments of intimacy they allowed themselves when they were all together, that attitude of his which always wanted to pass as carefree, uncaring at times...

He had been knowing for too long not to realize what was going through his mind.

And he knew those eyes when they rested on Kota, because they were identical to Kei’s own.

He knew Hikaru loved his boyfriend, that he had been loving him since they were Ya-Ya-Yah, that most likely, like Kei, he had always loved him.

He kept telling himself that he should've done something about it, but he couldn’t blame him, nor he wanted to bring the subject up with him.

He trusted Yaotome, his loyalty. And anyway, most important of all, he understood what he felt.

Kei was the first to admit that Yabu didn’t have any particular appeal, but apparently both him and Hikaru hadn't been able to avoid being charmed by him.

Or fall in love, most exactly.

There was something in his behaviour, in his simplicity which made him someone anyone would've wanted to be with.

And that was why he had never talked about it with Hikaru.

That was why he was never going to ask him to come to terms with the fact that they were together.

Because, had Kei been in his shoes, he wouldn’t have been able to do that, he would've never stopped looking at Yabu that way, shivering every time he did.

And so he watched, because there was no solution at all.

Kota had no idea of how his best friend felt, Kei was sure of it, just like he was sure Hikaru was never going to do something about it. He was going to settle for watching him from agar, because that was the part of Yabu he was allowed and what he was going to take, because it was better than nothing.

And as much as Inoo wished he could've made him feel better, as much as the friendship between them was deep enough to make him want to see an honest smile on Hikaru’s face, he had never thought about doing something.

He felt useless, to tell the truth, but he kept telling himself that nothing could be done, and that he was in no position to try anyway.

Weirdly, thinking about what Hikaru felt made him feel better, at times, even though he realized how selfish it was on him.

Because whenever Yabu’s attitude exasperated him, when his mind started wandering to all of those little things that didn’t sit right with him, he thought about Yaotome, he thought about that untold love, and about how Kota saw only a friend in him, and then he knew he was lucky to be by his side, and he bore his problems a little better.

Until he could.

That afternoon they had been shooting for the Shounen, and all his good intentions had risked to go straight down the drain.

He remembered the speech Kota had given him a few years ago by heart; especially because the elder tended to repeat it, from time to time.

That they couldn’t be too close when they were at some TV show. Or in front of journalists. Or during recording. And in public.

Inoo had understood and had acted accordingly to it.

At least, before Yabu had started being exaggerated about it.

Before the ‘too close’ had become just ‘close’, and Kota had started rejecting him entirely whenever Kei tried even the most innocent contact with him.

He knew Kota was stressed, and he would've forgiven him if that had been the only issue.

If once back home Yabu had conceded him all those moments of intimacy he denied to him during the day, then Kei would've overcome his coldness.

But Kota didn’t, and Kei kept wondering what was the point in loving someone.

That, he wished he could've told Hikaru.

That the love he felt for Yabu was unspoken, and yet it wasn’t so different from Kei’s.

Kei wished he could've grabbed Kota now, while they were filming, kiss him, tell everybody he loved him and face the consequences, because he was tired of having all of that relationship stolen from that damn job.

But he knew Kota wasn’t going to forgive him if he had done something like that, and he also knew that the elder’s requests were selfless, because he had always thought about them before himself.

And to protect the two of them he had worn out so much that he couldn’t even enjoy what he had tried to save, and that was what Inoo hated.

He hated him because he couldn’t blame him, and that left him with no one to get mad at.

Time had hurt them, and fear had too, that which should've have had room in a relationship, with which they had been living since it had become serious between them, when they had started being worth the struggle to keep their love safe from unwanted attention.

Every day he dreamt he could've woken up into someone else’s body, someone with no responsibility, someone who had the right to walk hand in hand with the man he loved, just for the sake of it.

He felt trapped.

And the fact that Kota was inside that cage with him, lately didn’t seem to help.

 

~

 

Hikaru knew something was off.

During his life, there had been more than one person accusing him of being shallow, and that sat right with him.

With the excuse of being shallow, uncaring of what happened around him, so little empathetic, he had always seen behind the mask people cared so much to show to the world; often, he had seen too much, things he wished he could've unseen.

There was something wrong between Kota and Kei, and he didn’t like that at all.

It had taken him years to accept their relationship.

Years during which he had kept thinking that he could've been in Kei’s place, thinking he could've stood beside Kota, thinking about what he could've had if only he had risked it, if he had had even the slightest chance that the elder could've loved him back; but that love had always been hidden inside of him, and had slowly torn him apart.

He had learnt to feel better, though.

He had learnt to live with those scars, and to see them being happy, from afar, without feeling any grudge, without thinking about the way he felt, because after all he knew it couldn’t be helped.

Just, he loved. He loved, and he didn’t know whether that love was made more of guilt or happiness.

Guilt, because both Yabu and Kei were among his best friends, and every time he thought about what he was repressing he couldn’t help feeling as if he was betraying them.

Happiness, because he had learnt to settle for the little things, the little gestures that Kota didn’t even notice, but that were everything for him.

A text, a call to ask him to meet, a smile without any particular reason.

During the years he had gathered up hundreds of small things like those, and he had brought them together to build some sort of momentary happiness for himself; ephemeral, but still better than nothing.

And he had become an expert of the ‘better than nothing’.

Now that he saw such clear changes in their relationship, he couldn’t help but feeling that confusion he had already been through, which he had already lived, that hadn't left him unscathed.

They had never been particularly willing to be close to each other when they were all together, so he couldn’t really say he saw them being distant.

But he saw the look on their faces, the changes in them, the way the smile had slowly disappeared to make room for a veil of almost untouchable melancholy.

For a moment he had been glad, as if that could've been his chance.

Then he had seen Yabu, his frown, his face marked by who knew what thought, and he had felt like a monster.

From where he was, he hated that something might’ve changed. Because he couldn’t deal with changes, he wasn’t good at starting everything from scratch, he couldn’t live with the fact that their happiness, which had always convinced him that it was worth to stand aside, was blurring.

He wished he knew what he should've done.

But he knew what was going to happen in the end. He knew he would've stayed in his corner, watching, feeling guilty because he couldn’t shut his mind up and feeling a stranger between them.

He wished he could've done something to help, because he knew it would've made him feel better too.

But at the same time he wanted things to follow their course, even if it meant to see the happiness of the man he loved crumble in front of him, unable to do something for him, because he was nothing.

He loved Yabu.

And he hated that love he felt for him like he had never hated something else before.

He wished he could've woken up and feel nothing for him.

Feel nothing at al.

And, in his worst moments, he just wished he could've not woken up at all.

 


	3. Tsutaeru neiro wa chigau (The sound conveyed is wrong)

_It happened to him, thinking about all the nights they had spent together, during the first steps of their relationship._

_How easy everything seemed._

_How they spent hours in that bed, drenched in their sweat._

_That wish to feel always a little closer, to feel him under him, around him, and it never seemed to be enough._

_His skin against his own, their breathing blending, his scent never abandoning him._

_He always thought about it with a smile, and he thought that back then it looked normal, but that those nights were a conquest, something close to perfection for him._

~

 

He had ignored it too long.

He had ignored those sad eyes, that weirdness which didn’t belong to the Inoo Kei he knew, become almost sordid, he had ignored everything the younger kept from him.

That morning, while they were having breakfast together, quietly, he had glimpsed at him and had been horrified by himself.

Because that was a stranger, because the last time he had looked at Kei, that he had _truly_ looked at him, he was sure that there hadn't been that look on his face.

What had happened to their relationship?

What had gotten him so distracted as to prevent him from realizing that the man he professed his love for wasn’t happy?

Because he was unfocused, but he couldn’t lie to himself to the point of saying Kei was happy.

He kept staring at him for a while, until the younger raised his eyes on him.

“Kei-chan?” he called him then, and the other seemed to change completely. He looked surprised, then he smiled openly.

“What, Ko?” he asked, his voice so full of expectation that the elder felt as if he had just stabbed him in the middle of his chest.

How long had it been since the last time he had initiated a conversation?

How long had it been since he had last been the one calling for him, and not the contrary?

“We’re free today.” he said, trying not to show any sign of discomfort. “Is there something you’d like to do?” he asked, waiting for an answer while he saw the smile on the other’s face become even more open, more sincere.

Kei thought about it for a while, then he shrugged.

“Nothing special. Since it doesn’t happen often, we can also stay home and do something here. I just need for us to be together, you know that.” he said, lowering his eyes.

Kota nodded, trying to smile as well.

“That works for me. I...” he frowned. “I like the idea of spending some time together, you and I.” he added, then he rushed to finish his breakfast and get up.

It was true.

He liked to spend some time alone with Kei.

But he kept wondering why those words, when he had said them, sounded to artificial, so fake.

Yabu was aware that things between them weren’t as good as they had once been.

But he had overlooked every sign of trouble, naively thinking that problems were going to solve themselves.

During the past months he hadn't allowed himself one minute to stop and think about his relationship, and now that he was it looked like something had changed, as if they had lost the alchemy they had before.

He wanted to blame it on time going by, on everyday problems, on work, on the thousands things he had to juggle, but it couldn’t be only that.

Looking at Kei, talking to him as if he was a stranger, wondering what was going through his mind when there had been a time he just knew that without having to ask, scared him.

And he blamed himself for that.

He wanted to do something, but without recognizing the person in front of him, he didn’t even know where he should've started.

 

~

 

He didn’t know how they had ended up in bed.

He knew they were on the couch in the living room, watching a movie, and all of a sudden Kei had grabbed the remote, turning the TV off and then jumping him.

Yabu had been floored, but he had let him do as he pleased.

He had let Kei kiss him, and had kissed him back.

He had let Kei touch him, and had touched him back.

When the younger had gotten up, without tearing his mouth from Kota’s, he had followed him to the bedroom, almost automatically.

And with the same automatism he had started taking his clothes off, feeling Kei’s hands doing the same to him, until they had found themselves naked under the covers.

Now Kei’s tongue was on his cock, his hands keeping his hips steady to prevent him from thrusting inside his mouth, choking him.

Yabu had a hand through his hair, holding tighter and tighter, to the point he was sure he was hurting him, even though the other wasn’t complaining.

When he came inside his mouth he finally felt good, for the first time in... weeks? Months?

He didn’t think about anything during those moments. Just about Kei’s tongue on him, his muffled moans, the fact that they were together now, which hadn't happened in a long time.

He clenched his eyes to the point it hurt, opening just when he felt the younger’s mouth letting go of him, delicately, and Kei getting back next to him.

He smiled.

Yabu brought his hand around his waist, pulling him close and holding him as if he never wanted to let him go.

He kept still for a few minutes, the time needed to recover.

Still holding on his waist he moved on top of him, making room between his legs and starting to kiss his neck.

When he heard him moan he smiled and went on touching wherever his hands reached, every spot which he knew would've driven him crazy, as mechanical movements over his body.

_As mechanical movements over his body._

He jumped up, while the other looked at him, surprised.

“Ko? What’s happened?” he asked, worried, but Kota didn’t reply straight away.

Why had it become mechanical?

Why that moment of pure ecstasy of a short while before had lasted so little, and his mind had started working again, letting him think too much for what the situation required?

It shouldn’t have been mechanical.

It should've been instinctive, natural.

He thought about every time, very few actually, they had had sex during the past months, and he realized it had been the same.

They got naked, they kissed, he stretched him, he got inside of him and it was all over before he knew if it was alright or not.

It was always the same, and Yabu now saw how wrong it was.

He felt on the verge of the abyss.

He got up, taking his head in his hands in the vain attempt at stopping his thoughts.

He looked at Kei, still sitting on the bed, still looking confused, and he felt sick.

That was the man he loved, he had always been sure of that.

Or had loving him also become mechanical?

 

~

 

Inoo kept staring at him, without a clear understanding of what was going on.

He had led him where he wanted him.

He had tried to make him relax, and he was sure he had managed that.

He wanted to have sex with him, and more than a real arousal it was a desire of being soothed, of proving there was still something left to save, that at least that part of their relationship was still whole.

And know that Yabu had stopped and was looking at him almost disgusted, he didn’t know what to make of it.

“Have... have I done something, Kota?” he asked, without knowing where that ‘Kota’ came from, instead of the familiar and soothing ‘Ko’.

He saw the elder back off, biting his lip.

“I'm sorry, Kei. I... I don’t think I can.” he murmured, blushing.

Kei froze.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, surprised at how calm he sounded.

Yabu wasn’t calm at all, instead.

“I don’t know what it means!” he yelled, then he took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “I don’t know what it means, Kei. I just know that I can’t, that it feels... weird. I...” he sighed. “What’s happened to us, Kei?” he asked in the end, as if there was nothing else he could say.

Inoo looked at him.

He read the dismay in his eyes and tried to understand him, to understand what he was feeling right now.

And perhaps he could, but he could in no way justify him.

“And you come now asking what’s happening?” he got up. “Now, Yabu? When it’s been months since the last time you’ve talked to me for real, months in which all you’ve done has been rejecting me, making me feel like an object, and not a person?.” he said, his voice getting louder.

He paused, waiting for the other to say something.

But Yabu didn’t, most likely caught off guard. Inoo basically never got mad at him, he never lost his cool, he never spoke to him like that.

The younger didn’t wait any longer and went on.

“I'm the one who should ask what’s happening, but if you don’t have an answer to that I don’t know what we should do. Because I'm always here waiting, but you never come. You get back home tired, and I understand, you don’t us to be close in front of the others and I understand, you’re stressed out and I understand. I _understand_ you, Yabu, and I don’t see why you can't make even the slightest effort to try and understand me.” he said, and he couldn’t take the tension anymore; he felt the first tears starting to run down his face, and he dried up a couple of them before deciding there was no point, so he burst out crying.

He felt all he had piled up during the past few months flow in those tears, and for the first time he wondered what was the point in going on, when all he wanted to do now was to drown himself in those tears.

But he wasn’t allowed to, because if it was true that he was drowning, it was also true that Yabu was still there, bringing along all the doubt, the uncertainty, the love it felt for him, even though he couldn’t find a meaning for it anymore.

He saw the elder getting close, slowly, until he sat next to him, an arm around his shoulders.

He wanted to collapse against him and keep on crying, let that atrocious pain he felt in his chest go away and then dry up his face, confident that everything was going to be alright, but he knew he couldn’t allow himself to believe that.

He pushed the man’s arm away, and Kota wasn’t surprised.

“I love you, Kei.” was all he said, and Inoo knew it was true, but he also knew that it wasn’t enough of an answer.

“I love you too, Kota.” he murmured, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. “But loving you is destroying me, can’t you see that?” he added.

The other didn’t reply.

He got up, never tearing his eyes off of him.

He went to the door, dragging his feet, as if he didn’t really know what to do.

In the end he looked into his eyes, and Inoo saw that his pain mirrored his own.

“I'm going out. I... I need to think.” he murmured, and then he left.

Kei burned his back into his mind, as he did the image of Yabu leaving.

He heard the front door slam and he felt like crying again.

He felt abandoned.

He understood that Yabu wanted to think; he understood how confused he felt, because he had felt like that for too long now.

But the problem was theirs, and it wasn’t fair of him to leave him alone now.

He brushed his hands over his face, clawing at his flesh, scratching it, hurting himself, as if the physical pain could make him forget how he felt right now.

It didn’t.

The pain wasn’t going away.

And what hurt the most was that he wanted to be soothed, he wanted to be hugged, he wanted to hear that everything was going to be just fine. And that the only person he wanted to do all that wasn’t there right now.

He thought about the happiness he had had with Kota, how he had felt during the years they had spent together, how the love he felt for him always made him feel like he was about to burst.

It had burst now. And that love had turned into a nightmare.

Terrified by his own thoughts, he wondered to what point that nightmare was going to take him.

 


	4. Kore shika dekinai yo (I can't do anything more than this)

_He had often wondered how they had ended up together._

_He wondered if it had been by chance, or if Kei had gone looking for him._

_He recalled the first time he had kissed him, and he felt like laughing thinking about the look on the younger’s face, both confused and happy._

_It was the thought of being able to make him happy that had kept him going during the years._

_And that happiness, that dedication, the way Kei had always stayed next to him despite everything, made him understand how much love he had received, perhaps without appreciating it as it would've deserved._

_Inoo Kei loved him, more than he had ever loved anyone else, and he hoped he had managed to let him realize it was the very same for him._

_Yabu stared at his boyfriend, with a sad smile._

_No. Nothing was ever going to come close to the love he felt for Kei._

~

 

When Hikaru had gotten to the door, he had been surprised finding Kei on the other side.

From the look on his face he could tell there was something anguishing him, that he had cried, and it terrified him while he started thinking about the worst case scenarios.

“Kei... come in, I... I wasn’t expecting you.” he said, moving aside to let him in.

The elder lowered his head, getting inside with a slow stride, taking off his shoes and following him to the living room.

“I'm sorry I came without calling first. Am I bothering you?” he asked, and Hikaru noticed his voice sounded forcibly controlled. He rushed to shake his head.

“No, not at all. Did... did something happen?” he asked, still feeling anxious despite the other’s apparent calm.

He saw him bite his lower lip, as if he was trying to decide whether what he had to tell him fit the definition of ‘something happen’. But in the end, he seemed to choose it didn’t.

“No, nothing. Nothing serious, at least, don’t worry.” he said, and the younger found it hard to believe him, but he let him go on. “There’s something I want to talk to you about, Hikka.” he said, sitting on the couch.

Hikaru kept standing in front of him; he had no hint as to what the other wanted to tell him, but somehow his instinct told him that he shouldn’t have sat down next to him, that he shouldn’t have gotten comfortable.

“What?” he asked, defensive.

Inoo averted his eyes from him, looking at a blank spot behind him.

“About Kota.” he said, firmly. Then he crossed his arms, letting go against the backrest. “About the fact that you’re in love with him.” he added, and Hikaru froze.

_About the fact that you’re in love with him._

Having often been misjudged, he had learnt not to misjudge others; that was why he had never believed Kei was so light-headed as he liked to show.

He thought him to be a good observer, but for sure he didn’t think he had noticed the way he felt for Yabu.

And he didn’t for the simple fact that he had never given proof he had; he had never shown hostility toward him, nor jealousy, nor concern.

Hikaru wondered whether it was because he loved him, because he didn’t think he was a threat or because he trusted him.

He didn’t know if he would've done the same.

He didn’t reply anyway, and waited for him to go on.

“I know you’ve always been in love with him. And believe me, I'm sorry I'm in the place where you wanted to be, because I love Kota and I love you, and the fact that you’ve suffered for this... it’s never made me feel completely at ease.” he said, frowning as if he had just had an unpleasant thought.

Hikaru rushed to reassure him.

“You don’t have to... Kei-chan, you love Yabu and he loves you. I’ve never thought that you, well…” he blushed, uncomfortable. “I’ve never seen it as if you’ve taken something from me. It’s you he loves, not me. With time, I’ve come to terms with it.” he explained, lowering his head.

Inoo kept thinking about it for a moment.

“You can't know that. I told Kota I loved him, you never did. Perhaps if you had, things would've been different.” he said, and Hikaru raised his eyes on him again.

“I disagree. Yabu didn’t start loving you out of nothing just because you told him you were in love with him. If you’ve been together all these years is because your love is mutual, and that even if you hadn't told him anything he would've never been able to feel for me what he’s always felt for you.” he replied, realizing only at the end how much it hurt to say those words out loud, even though it was a thought he had had countless times over the years.

Kei looked at him, smiling.

Hikaru felt awkward for that smile, for his presence there, for the fact that he didn’t understand what he was trying to tell him.

It was then that Inoo got up from the couch, getting close to him and staring at him, so deep that Yaotome found it hard not to avert his eyes from Kei’s.

“Hikaru... you and I feel the same thing for Yabu. And all we want is for him to be happy. It’s like that for you too, isn’t it? You want him to be happy, no matter if it is with you, or you wouldn’t have stood our relationship.” he said, quietly.

Yaotome bit his lip, then he nodded.

Of course he wanted Kota to be happy. On the long run, once he had accepted what he felt and the fact that he was never going to be reciprocated, the smile on the elder’s face had become the only thing that mattered to him.

Inoo nodded as well, almost distractedly, then he went on.

“I love him. And I want him to be happy, just like you do. Independently from my presence.” his voice shivered for a moment, as if he was wavering. “Protect Kota like I love him.” he murmured in the end.

Hikaru opened his eyes wide.

He didn’t understand the meaning of his words. 

He didn’t know why Kei was there in front of him right now, why he had wanted to bring up what Hikaru felt for Yabu at this time, he didn’t know the reason behind that speech on Kota’s happiness.

He just knew he felt anxious, and he couldn’t understand why.

Kei closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them back he looked resolved again, firm.

He headed to the front door, without saying anything else. Only when he had put his shoes back on and was about to leave, he turned toward him again.

“Promise, Hikka.” he asked, and the younger felt a note of despair in his so controlled voice.

“I promise, Kei.” he said, unsure as to why he was promising, _what_ he was promising.

But then Inoo left, leaving him alone with his doubts.

He felt his breath get heavier and he tried to stabilize it, to chase away that feeling of _wrongness._

It was obvious that Kei wanted to protect Yabu. That he wanted him to be happy.

But what was his role in that?

Kei took care of the elder’s happiness because it wasn’t Hikaru’s right to do so, and that was never going to change.

He collapsed on the couch, staring into space.

That feeling was still haunting him.

 

~

 

When Kei got back home, he felt empty.

He didn’t know what to think.

Or better, he was tired of thinking.

He hadn't done anything else for days. Months, perhaps.

And perhaps it had been his inability to keep his thoughts out which had led him to this.

The night before it had taken Yabu hours before getting back home.

He had said he was sorry, but it was like he didn’t really believe he had something to feel sorry for.

And not for presumption, but because he didn’t know what he had done.

After all, Kei ignored it too.

Neither was to blame, but they both had responsibilities.

Kota had let time go by without doing nothing to slow it down, letting it carry them down that vortex which had hurt them, turning them into something they couldn’t recognize.

And Kei, on his part, felt like a failure.

Years before, when Yabu and him had first gotten together, he had thought nothing could touch them, not until they loved each other, not until they would've stayed at each other’s side.

He had been wrong. He had hurt Kota and had been hurt himself, and the pain he felt now was too much to hope it was going to pass, to do something concrete to heal it.

He didn’t want to fight anymore, he wanted to finally be able to surrender, to find some rest from his mind.

Close his eyes so that he wasn’t going to have to see the look on Yabu’s face and having to realize that those eyes didn’t belong to him like they had once, that they had become something he didn’t know anymore.

He had loved Kota from the first moment he had seen him.

He had built that love, it had taken a great deal of patience on his part, and at the end that love had become something they both could share.

They had carried on like that for a long time, and it had never changed.

He didn’t know what had come into play to make that love separate, to make them both own their own kind of love, without managing to share it with the other.

This wasn’t what he wanted, this wasn’t what they deserved.

Go on like that looked like an offence to what they had had during all those years; but he wasn’t going to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him it was over, because it wasn’t.

He would've kept loving him forever, because that’s how it had to be.

And, he was sure, Yabu was never going to stop loving him either.

All he hoped right now, was for that love not to hinder the other’s happiness.

He slowly headed toward the bathroom, dragging his feet, as if he didn’t really want to.

He closed the door behind his back, and started to slowly take off his clothes.

He let the water run, without waiting for it to become hot and walking down the freezing spray.

He brushed his hands over his face, shivering.

He kept shivering even when the water warmed up, and then he realized it wasn’t for the coldness.

He sighed deeply, closing his eyes.

When he opened them again he was crying, glad that the water was mixing with his tears, so that he could pretend to himself to have still some dignity left.

Still moving slowly, he stuck his head out of the shower, stretching toward the sink, grabbing a razor from the shelf.

He sat down, forcing the head to let the blade out.

He kept staring at it, rolling it into his fingers as to convince himself to let go of it.

He tried, he really did.

He kept trying while he got the blade’s edge close to his arm.

He kept trying while he rested it on his skin.

He kept trying while he pressed, moving it along his vein.

More pressure, always more pressure.

The blood stood out on the paleness of his skin.

Seeing it made him feel weird.

Calm, because he knew that soon his eyes were going to close, and that he was going to be able to rest.

Scared, because something inside of him told him he should've stopped, but he couldn’t.

And in the meantime he did the same on his other arm, while he felt his head spinning and his eyes closing.

Worried, because he couldn’t help thinking about Kota, what he was going to feel, the pain he was going to inflict upon him.

Terrified, because despite what he was doing to himself, before closing his eyes he couldn’t repress the desire to see Kota one last time.


	5. Hanaretete mo futari kawaranai yo (Even though we're apart, we won't change)

_Yabu had gotten inside the apartment with a weird feeling._

_All the lights were off._

_He kept quiet, trying to decide if he should've called Kei or not, and then he heard it._

_Water running._

_He headed toward the bathroom, that feeling not leaving him._

_He knocked._

_“Kei-chan? I'm home.” he said, his voice loud enough to be heard despite the water._

_Not receiving any answer he tried to open the door, glad that the other hadn't locked it._

_His relief was ephemeral._

_It took him a while to focus on what he saw._

_It took him a while to understand._

_The slowly got toward the shower; from the other side of the glass, he could see Kei’s shape._

_He could see him on the floor._

_He held his breath, and opened it._

_The scream he let out was so loud that he thought he was never going to be able to talk again in his whole life._

_He grabbed Kei’s shoulders, he fell on his knees next to him, drenching himself with the water which had started flowing on the bathroom’s floor._

_He grabbed a couple of towels, pressing them down hard on Kei’s wrists, wanting to stop the blood._

_Wanting to convince himself he could still do something about it._

_But he had seen it; he had seen the blood clotted at the sharp edges of the cuts. He had seen Kei’s face and his body, how pale he looked._

_He had seen his chest, motionless._

_And then he realized._

_He started crying, unable to stop, holding tight onto his boyfriend’s body, trying to find some residual warmth on his skin, screaming again when he couldn’t find it._

_He didn’t know how long he stayed like that; hugging him, tight, without the strength to do anything, without being able to think, while the coldness from the water flowing around him, from his clothes sticking to him, from his boyfriend’s lifeless body took possession of him._

_He wanted to stay like that forever._

_Stay with him and let himself die like he had died._

_He couldn’t think coherently, but in the confusion reigning in his mind, the only thing he was sure of was that he didn’t want to live in that world if Kei wasn’t in it with him._

_He cried, because he didn’t know what else to do._

~

 

_He had gotten up._

_He had faced it._

_He had done what the others were expecting him to do._

_The morning of the funeral he had gotten up, he had gotten dressed and had waited for Hikaru and Yuya to come get him._

_It was sunny._

_Yabu was sure he was going to remember that day forever._

_It was sunny, and he thought it wasn’t fair. That the weather was making fun of him._

_He didn’t want to say goodbye to Kei. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t think he was ever going to be._

_Everybody told him to be strong, they stayed with him, ready to offer their shoulder in case he wanted to cry._

_He hated them all._

_He wanted to yell there was nothing he needed; only to have Kei back, and to understand why he had chosen to leave him alone._

_Why had he chosen to die._

_Because Yabu had made a whole lot of mistakes in his life, but there were things he was sure of._

_He was sure he had loved Kei, for better or worse._

_Even though he hadn't always been able to show it, even though he had hurt him more than he could've imagined._

_But as much as it could turn into something else, as much as it could lose its initial pureness, love couldn’t bring death._

_Sadness, sometimes. Pain, when things didn’t go as they were supposed to. But never,_ never _death._

_He was sure of it, had Kei had contradicted him, showing him for yet another time how blind he was._

_“Look how one can die of love, Kota.”_

_He pictured him so perfectly, with that pretence of naivety on his face and that attitude so quiet and so out of this worlds._

_“Look how one can die of love.”_

_That face, he knew it, was going to follow him till the end of his days._

~

 

Days had gone by. Then weeks, months.

Years.

Three years since Kei had died, and every morning Kota kept waking up hoping to find him by his side.

Hoping that it had all been a nightmare.

He had gone on, somehow.

Some wounds had closed and some hadn't, but the scars were all still there.

That morning, like hundreds of others, he opened his eyes and looked next to him.

Hikaru was already awake. He looked at him, absorbed.

Yabu thought about Kei doing the same thing, but he chased the thought right away.

“Good morning.” he told the younger, forcing himself to smile.

“Good morning.” replied Hikaru, whose smile always looked spontaneous.

It had been easy for Yabu to get accustomed to it.

Hikaru had started getting closer after Kei’s death.

At first he had had to struggle to bring him to open up; slowly, though, he had managed to tear down the wall Kota had built around himself, and the elder had found that it was easier to talk to him rather than the others.

Not that he said much, nor he said things the other wanted to ear.

He always talked about practical things, about work, never about how he felt.

But it seemed to be enough for Hikaru.

They hadn't been together long, a few months.

To Kota, it had seemed like a direct consequence to their closeness; they had found themselves in bed together without him even realizing it.

That night he had cried, feeling a monster for it.

He had cried because he hadn't been with anybody else, not after what had happened, and feel Hikaru so close, under him, feeling his skin against his own had brought Kei back to his mind, the moments they had spent together like that; his scent, his breath, what he missed during every single day of his life.

He had gone on, nevertheless.

He had resisted until the end the temptation to flee and then he had collapsed next to the younger, his eyes fixated on the ceiling.

He hadn't fled.

He was still there, next to Hikaru, because by now being alone was too scary.

He had often wondered about the nature of their relationship, and he had never found many answers.

He cared about Hikaru.

He didn’t love him.

For sure, he didn’t love him how he had loved Kei, how he still did.

But he hadn't rejected him, and now the guilt seemed to be suffocating him. And he wasn’t going to do anything to change it, because he was too tired to do so.

Twenty-eight years, and he was tired of life.

Kei’s thought was the only thing carrying him on.

Thinking about the day he had died; about his funeral, and that sun shining on the worst day of his life, mocking him.

Thinking about the happy moments they had had together.

Thinking that he had died only because he couldn’t see any other possible solution.

That he had died of that love, and it wasn’t fair.

Now Yabu had to keep on living, to prove to himself that he could do so even with the weight of a love that was only a memory.

Vivid, but a memory still. A memory that time wasn’t going to take away from him.

Because through that same love living inside him, it was like Kei also was still living.

And that was the only thing Kota could wish for: that in some weird, twisted way, out of human understanding, Kei could still be there, just out of his reach.

And that was why he was going to live, for the both of them.

Because Kei, for them, had died instead.

 

~

 

Hikaru had never deluded himself.

He knew his role, he knew what was his place and he accepted it.

He knew that Yabu cared for him.

That he didn’t love him.

For sure, he didn’t love him how he had loved Kei, how he still did.

He could feel his presence in the elder’s eyes, every day.

He had learnt to know the signs: he knew when he was remembering, when he saw him sadder or when he smiled without an apparent reason, and he knew that inside of him there was still of the life they had had together, and that Kota would rather live that life inside his memories than create a new one with him.

And he wasn’t expecting as much.

He had still clear in his mind the last words Kei had said to him.

_I love Yabu. Protect him like I love him._

When he had heard he had died, that he had taken his own life, he had finally understood the meaning of that.

He had promised, and he wasn’t going to fail him.

He had slowly sneaked into Yabu’s life, struggling to make the elder accept him.

Standing the humiliation of being nothing to him.

Standing the thought that every time they were together, the elder imagined it was Kei instead of him.

Standing the idea that he was never going to make him happy because he just couldn’t, because Kota was never going to be happy again.

But it wasn’t what he had to do.

He needed to protect him and he did so every day, his thought always to one of his best friends who had died trying to ensure the safety of the man he loved.

Hikaru knew he couldn’t match that love, and he didn’t try. He just stayed by his side, day after day, without wavering.

From time to time it happened for him to think about how it had felt years before, when his love for Yabu was everything to him.

And he still loved him; but to think about how much he had wanted to be with him back then, how he had wanted to have the right to kiss him, touch him, to belong to him and then compare it to what he was living now, belittled that love.

This wasn’t how he had wanted to be with him. This wasn’t how he wanted to belong to him.

But he wasn’t going to leave, because he didn’t have the courage to break his promise and because, despite everything, he was never going to be able to abandon Kota.

He just wished the love he felt could've been back to what it was.

Unrequited. Distant, because then it would've stayed the same.

Now he understood how such a feeling could turn into something unbearable.

He understood a little more how Kei must’ve felt, even though their problems were completely opposite.

He started to feel as if a cage had been built around him, and there was no escape.

He lived, resigned.

He lived instead of Kei, who had died because he couldn’t take the weight of those bars.

He lived, and he felt guilty.

Because whenever he thought about the past, the smiles on Yabu’s face, he wished he had died instead of the man who had been able to make him smile like that.

One could die of love, Kei had proven that, and finally he understood.

Of that love, he was going to die inside.


End file.
